A DEEP THOUGHT
A saying goes “ Marriages are made in HEAVEN”.. Sounds Great ! Just a thought , but what about those who are just unhappy and feel marriage is just a compromise, made up with fake smiles and false stories ? Is it really a Heavenly feeling for them?
And, What if they decide to break away from such a marriage, after fighting all conditioned and societal mind of people, stand for their inner voice , for their own happiness and freedom ! Yes you heard it right !
If they seek Divorce – they have to face numerous allegations, humiliations as well as answer all sort of weird questions by every person they come across – from friends, relatives, strangers etc etc. They are tormented, trolled, dragged endlessly , till they are forced to give up and succumb to pressure.
Once anyone is married – we see lots of lovey – dovey posts of partners , on all social media ap, that follows for years. No wonder whether, they are true or fake ! but suddenly one fine day ! there are no posts and all the excitement vanishes !
So, Surprisingly – Do people still believe that taking decision of separation through DIVORCE is a SIN or is it made in HELL?
Why is it people who have divorced feel so ashamed to tag their relationship status openly? The reason is clear – Just because people around want to humiliate them with their conditioned mind and opinions.
Marriages are of two types – Love / Arranged. It’s a sacred union of two individuals. BUT- have you ever wondered these two individuals are humans with difference in thoughts, likes, behaviours etc. Those , who are able to fit together , are truly the lucky ones.
In arranged marriage – the difficulty to express and understand the compatibility is even more, as its like two strangers trying to fit in a box, doing all sort of adjustments.
And both the partners have to do lots of adjustments and compromise as well as give – up, many of their pre-marriage interests/likes / desires or change their behavior, just to keep the bond intact.
Most of the partners are actually shocked / surprised to see hidden nature of their spouse , which eventually comes to surface with passing time. And , it’s definitely important to make adjustments, for the happiness of each other.
But! again it’s possible only within certain limit. If it goes beyond the limits , costing you peace of mind, then do you really feel is it worth staying together or do you deserve a better life ,full of freedom and open self expressions?
None is wrong here, it’s just incompatibility and indifferences, which are much beyond individual’s capacity of adjustment/ compromises. In, such cases parents or anyone who helped in bonding such individuals are highly accused. We, must understand, we should never blame anyone, for any misfortunes, that happen in our lives.
Ultimately, even choosing a partner was our CHOICE, so we must hold ourself responsible first. And, yes one can’t change the destiny. What you have to go through you shall. No matter what. But ! we can surely take back our power at the right time !
Again for Love Marriage – There is another dramatic story. People are actually too much blindly in love. There are love stories, hangouts and so much. Lovers tend to oversee flaws or just compromise and change themselves or do anything beyond their capacity for the happiness of their lover and please each other. They are generally, just the best version of themselves. But ! hey that change or adjustment is only short termed. Specially when you are spending just few hours in a day.
So, real challenge begins, when you actually start staying 24X7 together , after marriage. Then, the reality creeps in. The real nature of a person , definitely start showing up, after certain period of time, which can be in months or years, till they can no longer, adjust or stay together. Dialogues like “ You weren’t like this before marriage , now you have changed” or “you loved me more before marriage but now nothing exists”
Ironically, in such situations none supports such individuals and make them responsible , for the wrong choice they made, hence making them regret throughout . Such relationships are boycotted by most in the society including parents. Yes ! exceptions are always there, some definitely come across supportive parents and friends.
WAKE UP CALL
INDICATIONS THAT YOU BOTH ARE OFF THE TRACK AND NEED TO WORK ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP
- When you have started losing your peace of mind – After constant rants/ fights/ violence you are no longer in control of yourself. You , are just not able to control your actions or words and all that you do is only hurting you as well as people around you.
- When you have started losing compassion for others – You feel you have changed immensely. You are not your true self and whatever that exists is just your fake identity.
- You feel you have nothing more to give in a relationship – A time comes , when you feel, you can no longer adjust or even feel you have started changing to ugly version of you, i.e all your negative traits become more dominant than positive ones.
- Self Destruction – Many times , you may feel, you are trying to find love/ happiness/ satisfaction/ peace through external sources, hence forcing the individual to take up following:-
- Addictions (Alchohol / Smoking / Drugs etc) giving them temporary relief from their trauma,
- Some become shopaholic and end up using huge amount , to look good as well as post unlimited pics on social media so that they can get attention from people around and finding temporary happiness in that.
- Some may resort to extra – marital affairs , just to quench their thirst for love /attention/affection/intimacy. Lack of anything inside will lead to it’s search outside. So, what a person lacks, in a relationship, he/she will surely seek outside . All this is just to feed oneself, with false-temporary love/ hopes/ promises. It’s a warning sign, as such practices , can only give short-term escape from reality but , can later make one feel more guilty, miserable, devastated, further leading to emotional turmoil within. So, avoid falling in this trap as far as possible.
- Last, but not least , when you start getting feeling of running away / hide secretly or get suicidal thoughts. Take it as a breakdown point and a peak time to stand for yourself , voice your opinions and follow your own happiness.
In short, when you feel you have become worse version of yourself, Please call it QUIT ! You don’t deserve this.
HOW TO DEAL WITH THE CRISIS
- First and foremost important thing during such time is seek help – share your issues openly with your elders or someone trustworthy like friends/relatives, who can help to find solution and provide mature guidance accordingly.
- Seek marriage counselling – If elders within family are unable to help, then don’t shy away from seeking help from a professional counsellor , where both partners should readily accept, all suggestions and further work on improving the relationship. Give your best shot !
- If, the above two , don’t work then the only option left for you both is to think of separating mutually, for the well- being and happiness of each other, which is of course, the hardest one, to implement, Thoughts like self respect, what will other people/ family members say? How to cope up with society that tend to bog down an individual , forcing him/her to live an imprisoned life throughout.
BE FIRM WITH YOUR DECISION
Once either of the partner, has finally made up his mind to go through legal process of separation, then its important that you stand with your decision and not wither away by following :-
- Emotional Blackmails by the other partner – There will be innumerable trials by the other partner (Probably a dominating one- a one involved in causing damage to other partner through forceful means) , to get back the spouse through forceful and negative influences. But, never fear or succumb to the pressure.
None’s life is more important than YOU, similarly even if your partner is emptionally blackmailing you, just ignore, it and follow you inner voice. If your partner indulges in self – destruction, he/she, all the more doesn’t deserve you and is not your worth. These are just mean ways to get you caught in the web of their emotions.
- Too many advices / suggestions – Once you choose to take legal separation. Best is to shut yourself from unnecessary traditional/ conditioned mind of people. You are sure to be flooded with messages or calls or advices from your well wishers or strangers or just anyone. Thanks , to your well wishers ! But, remember none has experienced the life from your perspective , none can feel the pain you have been through.
Everyone will just give advices , based on their experiences and their perspective. Some will stop respecting you or even start bad mouthing, but just stay firm as , its all short termed, and after certain period of time everyone forgets your issues, gets busy with their life and move on. So, It’s your life, Live the way you wish and deserve. Follow your heart and become the Master of your Destiny !
- Lastly, don’t compromise for the sake of your child – We may , once again fall in a trap that children will have to go through lots of trauma during separation. It’s definitely true , but children are more emotionally strong and independent than adults.
This isn’t true that – A child needs both mother and father. A child, only needs a healthy and happy environment than being exposed to domestic violence and constant ranting between parents. All this makes a child more miserable, who tend to get scared, start suppressing emotions and this affects his behavior at later stage of life.
Moreover, they just want to see their parents to be happy, whether together or separated. So, break the myth! A child’s behavior is a mirror reflection of his parents ( Together / single)
HEAL “POST – SEPARATION BLUES”
Post effects of separation , whether temporary or permanent can be little traumatic . Hence it’s important to address all the emotions and feelings surfacing during this phase. Difficult but not impossible, you can surely follow below mentioned activities and feel great sense of freedom within:-
- Speak out and share everything with your loved ones or someone trustworthy. Don’t suppress anything – just let it flow, write it down or cry or talk to someone. But, let go of all unwanted thoughts and emotions that no longer serve your higher purpose.
- Avoid Blame Game – Always, believe everyone lives their life according to the perspective they feel is right. So , there are no rights / wrongs. It’s just an individual’s personality, thoughts, behaviour, lifestyle etc. which is difficult to re-mould. It’s all indifferences in opinions and incompatibility , that can lead to failures in relationships. So, accept the fact, just as you feel you were right, similarly other person would feel the same.
- Never gain sympathy – At this stage, its important for you to remove focus from your inadequacy towards adequacy. You have to become a stronger and a better version with each passing day. Just sharing your woes , to gain sweet words of sympathy, from people around, will only make you weaker, vulnerable, depressed and unhappier. “Only you can help yourself and make yourself feel happier and stronger, none else can” – Choice is yours!
- If you feel you are going through intense emotional outbursts, then do seek personal counselling or visit a therapist, who can help you at this hour of need.
- After, you have made the decision to separate (temporary / permanent) , avoid checking on your spouse or interact with him/her for sometime. Just disconnect, else you will again end up feeling confused with your emotions or decision. Introspect, if you both can be together or not. Work on all aspects. It’s always preferable to work on yourself for sometime, understand yourself and your needs.
Once you feel you have completely healed, and wish to reconcile with your partner, then do so, with open communication and place all your terms clearly for the future benefit of both.
- Meditate – Look deep within, all answers lie within you. Just follow what you are intuited to. Follow the voice of your heart, Follow what makes you happy. That will be the best decision of your Life.
- Focus your time on doing something productive , that you might have missed in past years. Keep yourself busy. Try to find your happiness , follow your passion. Pick up a hobby , watch funny videos, learn something new, read books, listen to music, take up a job or course. Basic idea is to keep yourself busy. Spend time with yourself, loved ones, bond with children. Do all things that make you happy. ” Empty mind is a Devil’s mind “
- Lastly, during transition phase ,avoid falling in a trap of any new relationship. When, you are not completely healed, you only tend to attract relations, for the sake of filling the vacuum created during separation. It’s a cause of emotional rebound and relationship during such phase don’t last longer, and in-fact make us feel more unhappy/ vulnerable/weak.
So, till the time you are not completely healed and freed from past emotions and memories, hold yourself. Once, you bounce back to your own true self and heal yourself completely and feel , its the right time, for you to invite new relationship or love, then go ahead and embrace the change !
It’s rightly said – “A Life -partner determines 90% of your happiness in Life”. So, its important to choose your partner wisely.
But, if destiny gave you a wrong person, then it’s never too late to work on yourself and take a decision to lead a Life you deserve. Your Happiness should be your priority. Then only you can keep others happy.
Am sure some of you can resonate with this article and may help themselves in some ways. And to those , who have a happy marriage/relationship and doing great, I wish them happiness always, but suggest them, not to force their opinions or suggestions, over people ,who might be going through the mentioned situation. Instead, please support them, listen to them, share their sorrows. Just suggest them to keep aside everything ,follow what gives them happiness !
Don’t forget “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” So fill yourself with lots of love , happiness, . Take back your POWER.. It’s your LIFE !! You deserve to live the life you wish !
So, Break the Myth.. Divorce isn’t a pathway to hell but an option to help you lead to a life where you can experience BLISS.. Accept it and be proud to be single again..!
Wising you all the best !